haven’t had much to write about lately… because one thing has been constantly swarming my mind. reminding me how unfair life can be and how grateful we are to be existing. you forget that once in a while. how living is a privlege. each breath. each step we take. its something that someone else wishes they could do. my sister was home this weekend for treatment. she was in remission and was going routinely for treatment. and then one night changed it all. she had a seizure. turns out it was because a tumor was pressing on her brain. she has fought cancer not once, not twice, but now three times. this time really altered my perspective on things. i witnessed her have a seizure and it hit me that i could possibly lose her. i don’t want to feel that way. like im guilty for not cherishing every moment possible. that i’m not living up to my potential. it also grew me closer to God. i’ve never been very faithful. i would like to say im Christian but i never practiced like my parents did. but i witnessed God’s doing this past week. i felt like my time with my sister was slipping from me after she had to go to the hospital. but i gave my worries and my thoughts to God in that hospital room. i cried and cried and cried until i was too tired. i watched my sister sleep in that uncomfortable hospital bed and just thought how strong she is to be here right now, fighting it once again. and when my dad got there to be with my mom and i, we prayed together. we held my sisters hands and that’s when i felt Him. He was watching over us and i knew that when i went home for the night that she would never be fully alone. He would sit by her until she fell asleep. this is not to convince anyone to pray or go to church but its a message to encourage you to love harder and live more. because being in a hospital felt lonesome. and then i thought about the patients that have been there for days, weeks, even months. how awful am i to complain about that place when people in their rooms are begging to be discharged and be able to live a normal, healthy life. what a privelege it all is, to exist.
CGBlogs
my online journal ◡̈
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cancer sucks
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been a minute
my current favorite pass time is something new and a bit out of my comfort zone.
it’s communicating with strangers online. okay weird when i type it out like that…. i mean communicating with them through their journeys. life journeys. i love that social media has become a space where people that are fighting something or are struggling can share that so others can possibly offer support, financial help, or even a simple conversation. well that’s what i’m doing. i see someone posting and it can either be a woman posting her journey while fighting breast cancer or a man in congestive heart failure. it’s the stuff like that reminds me why social media can be SO GOOD. i took it as a opportunity to not be nervous and reach out to them through their comment sections, just offering support and sending prayers. it’s so new but i love this opportunity to meet new people, not because these people need new people in their life, but in the way that we are humans just living and we have no idea what one another are going through. i get to learn stories and receive advice from people that wouldn’t be able to share their story if it weren’t for… social media. and i wouldn’t have the opportunity to reach out and just talk to another human. human interaction is so very simple. share a story, receive a story, smile, and be very grateful for being alive today to be able to experience such a wonderful thing.
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overthinking
if i had to pick one thing; i wouldn’t choose to change a facial feature or my body shape. it would be the way i overthink. i don’t know how it started but for as long as i can remember i overthink interactions, facial expressions, etc. you’d think that the security of my friendships would stop me from overthinking so much. but no. it honestly makes it worse. i will think about the face you made to me while walking past me for weeks. i will think about the stranger at the mall that looked at me up and down for hours after it happened. if you leave me on read or open, i will overthink that and wonder if i did something to upset you. i hate that i do this because i don’t want pity from people, i just want the thoughts to silence. i want to be able to an enjoy an interaction without wondering if my best friends secretly hate me. it is such a big part of my life that it’s classified as one of my moods. i just have to tell my friends, “i’m just in that mood right now” and they know. they don’t REALLY know though. the thoughts swarming my head and wondering if i would be better off just staying in my room all the time to spare myself the work. this post is merely another overthinking post. i have been overthinking so much lately i have to get it out there. there isn’t much you can do when i’m like this besides reassuring me that the thoughts aren’t true (my brain will still convince me that you do hate me). i wanted to write about this because it’s such a big part of my life that even though i hate that i overthink, its part of my personality, and that is what comes with being my friend.
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quick post
if you ever feel taken for granted or like you are always runner up, just remember that one day someone will cherish you for all that you truly are. & you won’t have to change a thing about yourself. & you won’t have to fight for first place. in the meantime, love urself!
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post thanksgiving reflection
since its the last thanksgiving at my grandma’s house made me sit down and reflect on the things i will miss. i’ll miss the constant blanket of fur on my clothes from what seemed like hundreds of dogs that accumulated from all different sides of the fam. i’ll miss bickering with my guy cousins about something pointless. i’ll miss the exchanged compliments from all my girl cousins. i’ll miss the awkward fist bump from that one uncle. i’ll miss the other uncle always being high. i’ll miss the other quirky uncle that always made the best food. i’ll miss the crazy stories from that crazy aunt. i’ll miss the undying love from my moms sister when she stares at me all dressed up for thanksgiving dinner saying how mature and grown up I look. i’ll miss the post walk naps with my dog and sisters. i’ll miss the forehead kiss i got from my dad before he went out the van for the night. i’ll miss the hundreds of golden retriever books my grandma had AND wrote. i’ll miss the witty remarks my grandma and uncle exchange after a few glasses of wine. i’ll miss the chaos of the post thanksgiving meal fire with my cousins while we all are finishing our drinks and playing a card game and betting our money. i’ll miss the constant lag on my phone from my grandmas slow wifi. i’ll miss not getting to explain to my friends what “the farm” was and why she lived in the middle of nowhere in missouri. i’ll miss the fact that there isn’t a grocery store within 20 miles of this place. but there is a dollar general. and a gourmet coffee place. and a cowboy shoe store? the quirks of this place are the things i will miss most. i’ll even miss the nights as a kid where i would go to bed crying because my cousins made fun of me for being picky. because at least i got to be at my favorite place, the farm.
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friendships
i have always had a weird relationship with the term friendships
as soon as your my friend i will overthink every interaction. i will guess your intent for every gesture. and if i have a bad feeling, you will know. i get quiet or i change the subject because god forbid i talk about my feelings.
i just always sense if my friends are not sharing their true opinion about me. there is a look they exchange when they don’t want to fully tell me something or if i’m being fully myself and that’s weird for them, there is a look for that too. i don’t know if it’s me or them but im good at reading emotions. too good.
i want to get better at drowning out those negative thoughts and focusing on the great friendships i have. that’s why i have this.
